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Killing your expectations since 1993

Welcome to Time Killers. I honestly cannot think of any other way to introduce this very unique game. It's probably because it is so terrible that my brain is incapable of functioning anymore. Let me start from the beginning.

Time Killers is a fighting game for the Genesis. In this game you select a person from a list of characters from various time periods. But wait! Before you even reach the character select screen, you'll be treated to the game's true horror: the voice "acting".

"Voice acting in a Genesis game?" you might be wondering. Yes,  this game unfortunately has voice acting. You know how the first Street Fighter II game for Genesis was renowned for its fairly bad sound quality when it came to the voices? Well, move over Street Fighter, Time Killers has you beat with the most horrible cacophony of sound effects you can imagine. Not only are the voices bad, but the sound effects and music also share that certain quality that makes you think they hired some eleven year old to be the sound director. That probably is the truth. Just consider this recording I made of the game. And no, I didn't modify the recording in any way, the game really sounds so unbelievably bad in every way. Don't come with the lawsuits if you find this recording has in any way harmed you. It likely will cause you some form of death. I warned you!

Once you get the bad sound out of the way, you unfortunately slam into another wall of shame: the game itself. Here are some of the award-winning characters involved in the game.

	Orion here is some kind of space man that uses a plastic sword. He proudly takes the place of the gay space fighter who happens to be black. You can tell that they wanted to appeal to these groups of people by the fact that he is some kind of space traveling guy. His black gayness proves that even black people and gay people can succeed.. IN THE GLORIOUS FUTURE!		Here is Wulf, some kind of knight or something. I guess knights enjoy wearing armor with absolutely terrible color schemes. I can't really think of anything else to say about this guy. In fact, most characters of this stupid game are so boring and one dimensional that I'm amazed I even came up with this much to complain about them.
Orion		Wulf

Here are a few more characters, grouped together because I couldn't stand to select them all individually.

A samurai named Musashi. Some Chainsaw guy who's name I don't remember. A Viking named Leif. An alien named Mantazz or something. They seem like characters from 80's cartoons, where mediocrity in character design reigned supreme.

Lost my arm again! Oh well, it'll get re-attached in the next round. Also there is some idiotic alien in here!

One of the features of Time Killers is that you can chop off the arms of your opponents. Seeing as every character carries a bladed weapon or other cutting implement, slicing off of appendages is fair game. However, to actually do this you must somehow cause your character to actually swing the weapon. "Why, you can just press a button to do that, right, cityhuntr?" you ask. Wrong! I couldn't figure out how to use the weapons. Seriously, every button either just blocks or kicks. I sometimes can swing the weapons around if I just mash the buttons violently until it occurs, but usually all they do is some slightly more violent kick. Also there is supposedly a fatality-like move you can do where you cut off all remaining appendages as well as the head of your opponent. Unfortunately I am incapable of doing this and have only seen the computer use it against me. This is because every aspect of the game's horribleness combined makes it impossible to ever win more than one fight.

I believe this game is supposed to be a sort of experiment gone horribly wrong. I sure hope they didn't seriously consider this a good game.when they were making it. I know that terrible games are plentiful, but this one just makes me wonder, "Did they really look at this and think people would like it?" Maybe my expectations are way too high, a problem caused by modern gaming's "GRAPHICS ARE EVERYTHING" approach to game design. After all, I did enjoy World Games in my childhood, what would have stopped me from enjoying Time Killers? Thank god I didn't play this when I was young. If I did, I probably would have died of old age at 15. Just looking at these screenshots has reduced your lifespan by 10 years, you know. Everything might give you cancer these days, but nothing kills more quickly than a fresh dose of Time Killers.

Without a doubt, this is the absolute worst non-atari 2600 game I have ever played. You probably think I hate all games, considering that nearly every game review on this site bashes games, but this is seriously just a bad one. It's so bad that unlike the other game reviews, I actually wrote about how bad it is rather than just making stupid stuff up about it. In a way, I guess they did the work for me. Thanks, "Strata"!