While many children play their mostly stupid three dimensional games with anti-aliasing, I'll be sticking to my two dimensional games, thank you.

You may be wondering, "How sir, could you possible start out a review with a statement such as that?" It is simple, really. "Index" by Bore Compana is the best thing to possible happen to the video game scene. Even better is the fact that it is a two dimensional game, and thus lacks anisotropic filtering. No real game needs such useless tricks to be good.

Wise words from Bore Compana

As you can see to the left, Index is a very simple, yet fiendishly complex game. Its introductory command of "BUTCHER HUMAN ONLA" seems like a fine and simple request, but once you see these humans, you will regret facing the wrath of Index. The point of the game is to butcher human onla by smashing them with that object of some sort you can see. When humans are butchered, they shed their blood and dissappear. That's okay, though, since there would be millions of bodies covering the screen otherwise.

I do not know what most of the indicators on the screen indicate. "PEND" seems to go up when I kill people, but it goes down as well. If that wasn't mysterious enough, there's also that "CHAR" percentage. Do they mean char as in char-broil? I probably will never know. I don't care, because this is Index, the best game. Finally, the number at the bottom of the window represents the current time. How nice. Most games these days are foolish and do not display the time. How on earth am I supposed to manage myself If I can't see the clock at all times?

There are also dogs that float around randomly, and butchering them earns you a quick demise! There is a point where you can butcher dogs, but I'm afraid that's too much for you at this point. However, I will instead talk about the sounds. Index wastes no time employing it's various well made sounds. With the WAVE file format to back it up, Index comes with high quality sounds using names like "TIYA.wav" and "UWAAA.wav". I don't think I have to say anymore to prove how wonderful the audio of the game is. This is mostly because I really don't feel like it. If you thought about it, I took that screenshot at 12:17 AM, so I'm fucking tired. Even so, I will continue to talk about Index

No, these screenshots cannot be any smaller.

To the right, you can see what happens when you butcher a dog. You should be afraid for your life whenever you see this message. "Get Angra!" is probably silly sounding to you, but believe me, in a few years, it'll be a popular phrase. It may just be the words you hear before you die. Damn these large screenshots, it's hard to type enough so that I can wrap the text around them. I'll just press enter until I get below the picture. It probably will screw up for you, but I guess life just isn't fair.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, it looks like I'm under the picture now. I also just took a break and played it. It made me realize, If this game had music, it would have been the best game music I've heard in a long time. Anyway, I think you're ready to learn how to butcher dogs now.

I'm really tired of dealing with these huge screenshots.

When you butcher enough humans, your smashing device becomes a "windmill" and you can butcher humans at a quicker pace, as well as dogs. The dogs give more points for being butchered. Sadly, the windmill doesn't last very long, so it must be utilized with extreme haste. Oh, I just sounded like one of the local commercials around here. It's some commercial where they have a robot that tries to destroy environment-hating monsters. It's pretty much a combination of Robocop and Captain planet, except with the worst animation you've ever seen. He says "Eliminate waste with extreme haste." oh ho ho ho. But I am digressing, sorry.

When you use the windmill, you get to hear a new sound when you butcher dogs. It sort of sounds like a baby making funny noises. I love that sound. It makes me feel sexy. Don't laugh, you probably would think so too if you heard it. The things I do for you people, and you just laugh at me when I reveal my personal feelings. Hmph!

If you do good enough with the windmill, there is a "deluge" of billions of people falling around. It's great. It gives that exhilarating feeling, like doing a fatality in Mortal Kombat, or just moving a pawn upward in chess.

This game is not available anywhere. I don't know where to get it. If you want it, you'll have to ask me for it.