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You'll remember in a past review of the first California Games that it is
Game 1: Hang Gliding
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As you can see in the screenshot to the left, I am so killed at pressing left and right that I am going into space. Unfortunately the game lacks space travel, so I failed to explore the galaxies. It's pretty upsetting. Instead I came crashing down into the ocean, to be assailed by a shark. Sharks seem to be a big problem in California, especially with the previous California Games in mind. I learned something from the shark incident: sharks apparently can walk on land. How else could they get so close to the coast? Those rascally sea creatures! I hate them! I think tonight I'll dine on shark soup, sort of like how The Shredder dines on turtle soup. Come to think of it, maybe The Shredder hates the turtles because they ambushed him when he was participating in Asia Games, the exciting Asian version of California Games. In Asia Games, the turtle is probably the Asian equivalent of the shark. I hate those wretched reptiles, too!
You may also notice the retarded looking guy on the upper right corner of the screen. He is there to give commentary on your actions. These very helpful comments range from "Dweeb!" to "Oh, Wow !!"
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Most Excellent! |
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In Jetsurfing, you are some kind of bikini woman again. This time you are on a jet ski with the intention of going through some kind of course. The course in question consists of water that is somehow brighter than normal water. That's California exclusive technology right there: bright water. Those scientists in silicon valley really are strutting their stuff, aren't they? But it doesn't just end with brighter water! Take a look to the right. Not only can you see bright water, but water that assumes a checkerboard shape! We're really something here in California, hm? Hm? With our water that looks like repeated box patterns? Bet you guys in Alabama or Connecticut wish you had that. But you'll never be close to our water technology!
Simple jet skiing is too boring for us here in California, so we always add a bit more to make things exciting and possibly fatal. Such as rocks. Who wouldn't want to avoid rocks while having fun under the sun? Just don't hit those rocks. Unless you want a retarded kid to call you a Dweeb, that is!
Snow boarding is tubular sport, dude! Even Tommy Tallarico could go for this game. Snow boarding involves going down some steep mountain while avoiding obstacles. Because you know, just snow boarding isn't enough for Californians. We need to constantly have things in our way to risk smashing into. In addition to risking our lives constantly, we Californians love our gravity-negating machines. With then we are capable of making pieces of mountain levitate in a very magical fashion. Only in California, folks. People not from California will probably end up like this guy. How pathetic, all with your head in the snow and everything. Are you even trying? Also note the mountain climber, he's a good man. He is so great that he appears in every hole of that particular shape on your way down. This isn't indicative of EPYX's lazy programming at all. In actuality it is just their way of proving that Californian mountain climbers are so great that they can climb up a mountain and back down so fast that they can keep up with your snow boarding. Californians sure are powerful!
There will be slicing, indeed! Slicing of your wrists after you play this game, that is, since playing California games will make you want to kill yourself.
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Here I am getting rewarded for doing nothing. |
Bodyboarding signifies an incredible revolution in EPYX games, as it has two parts to it rather than just one. In the first part, I honestly don't know what is going on. You press left to go up a wave and then wildly press buttons to perform stunts or something. By "stunts" I mean your guy just goes up the wave and then goes down in some different way other than the usual going-up animation in reverse. Certainly you Californian readers agree that this all sounds as Californian as it gets. That is, it is very Californian to go up on a wave and go back down a differently than in the way you came up.
The next part of Bodyboarding is adventurous an exciting. The wave (which lasts several minutes, somehow) comes to an end and pushes you to the coast at high velocity. It is then your job to avoid many obstacles and reach the beach. Once again, California's desire for danger works its magic as you struggle to avoid smashing into a million things dangerously. Here is a picture of my guy accidentally having sex with a mermaid.
The next game is full of shit and I'm tired of typing about this damn idiot game!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn it.
Here, if you insist, have some pictures of it:
