In this article of the ancient past, you'll see that I was once the mayor of a town named the "Shit Town". The name was not always indicative of its badness. Shit Town used to be quite a nice place before I single-handedly destroyed it with my wrestling powers. It was really the fault of my foolish citizenry that I eventually demolished the place. But anyway, that is stuff of the past. As you know, I was reborn nearly eighty years later after an attempted suicide. I figured just recently that a visit to the ruins of the Shit Town was in order. I think I went there to pick up the phone and television from my office, since I loved those things so much back then. Unfortunately things didn't go so well for me in my visit to the town.

Here I am preparing for a friendly investigation!

As you can see in the picture to the left, I have changed a lot from my previous life. Since there were no computers back in the early 1900's, I couldn't become a severe computer nerd like I am today. Unfortunately, nerddom has caused me to become rather thin. But because I still work out, my muscles are quite strong. Also, please ignore that retarded looking facial expression of mine. The presses always take my picture when I'm least expecting it.

Finally, I made my return to the streets of my beloved city. At first things weren't looking so bad. Only a few crumbled walls and a bunch of shattered windows in sight. It certainly looked a lot better than when I last left it. A hand was pointing ahead, flashing "go", beckoning me to continue in my quest to explore the town.

I was not expecting what would come next! I found people here! I wondered, could they have been those persistent survivors from before? I remembered that a population of 480 people had driven me to suicide in the past. Clearly they must have been ghosts here to haunt me, right? Wrong! When I encountered my former citizens, they immediately hopped to their feet and attacked me powerfully! Dazed and confused, I got up and defended myself as best as I could. I made quick work of those guys, they were wimps, really. I remember my citizens being pretty pathetic like that, though they were pretty tricky sometimes. In response to my victory, I did a little dance. It had been a while since I have fought, so it was a good feeling to be back in the streets. I proceeded through the streets, under attack from many villains. It turns out that the people hated my destruction of the city and wanted revenge. Well, I simply wouldn't fall for that silly excuse! I punched them around as best as I could. There were plenty of dangerous people out after my blood.

Weirdo punks with radioactive suits attempted to poison me with their radiation. This was strange, because I didn't recall making a nuclear power plant. I began having suspicions that someone had taken over my town after I attempted to kill myself.

After a bunch of more fights, I finally had reached the underground area. I remembered in my previous life how I went down there and encountered strange men from a cult. They wore creepy uniforms and looked like surgeons. I suspect they wanted to perform surgery on me. The type of surgery only possible by jumping upside down and trying to land on my head with their knives. Keeping these memories in mind, I entered the sewers, expecting a fierce battle with the weird cultists.

Surprisingly, I didn't find any cultists at first. Perhaps they were at some kind of meeting elsewhere. Instead, I found friends of those damn punks from the streets. They were apparently about to engage in some gay sex or something. Why else would they be crouching, so close to each other? I proceeded to beat them up. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because they were gay, I just hate people that influence me into suicidal tendencies. Convincing someone to commit suicide is foolish. It's like murder for lazy people, and I don't take kindly to murder in MY city! Unless I'm the one doing the murdering!

I didn't find many cultists in the area after all, but I was surprised to get attacked by a pair of fat guys. They seemed very interested in showing me their shiny bald heads. Unfortunately, portly people often don't know their own strength, so I ended up having to kill them after they accidentally head butted me a few too many times. Fat people really are jolly, but I'm not jolly at all once someone has tested my patience a bit too much! After seeing how angry I was, one of the weird cultist guys approached me and begged me to spare him. I thought about this for a while and asked him what he could do for me. I noted that I was getting very hungry.

Finally, a friendly face amidst all the chaos!

"Well, master..." he muttered in a bizarre evil voice only a cultist could have, "I hear that up near the exit, outside, someone hid a plate of ham under tires. I think if you are quick, you can snatch that ham and gobble it up before the original owner notices!"

I decided to take his advice and quickly exited the cultist lair. Sure enough I found the ham outside under the tires. Unfortunately, the punk who owned the meat was already back for a meal. I beat him up and ate the meat quickly, before anyone else might come in for a main course. Soon after I had finished the meal, I felt an incredible pain in my stomach! "Oh God!!" I mumbled, before falling over and losing consciousness. It was radioactive ham, and it was doing on a number on my digestive system!

I woke up a few hours later, feeling woozy. A little rest helped me get back on my feet. I vowed never to eat radioactive ham again. Who would have thought ham with a half-life would do such damage to me? Since I was better, I continued to find a new surprise: a person with a gold shirt! If you remember my first experience in the Shit Town, I battled the gold shirt wearing rich people because I believed they would bring hospitals to the city. Surely while I was away from the town, these jerks were here running things in my absence. ARGH! I couldn't take the thought of my beautiful town being run by these rich folks, so I beat them up! Even though the gold shirt men had many henchmen, I still succeeded. Nobody can stop a dedicated mayor from cleaning up the town!

After killing the gold shirt man, I suddenly felt really tired of walking, so I decided to take the subway instead. You may recall that I didn't have a subway in my town, but it appeared that in my rage I caused the train system to collapse into the ground, creating an imitation subway. In the subway station I was attacked by someone familiar. It was Andore Jr, the mentally handicapped son of a district attorney I worked with by the name of Andore. Andore Jr was not very happy to see me, for some reason. He proceeded to choke me. That wasn't very pleasant, so I threw some other guy at him, which scared Andore Jr away. You see, you need to treat people with mental problems respectfully. I elect that if I am being choked by someone with such a mental problem, the clear solution is to throw people at him.

With Andore Jr out of the way, I boarded the subway. To my surprise, I found the gay guys from before riding it. I realized that this must be the Phantom Train from Final Fantasy 3/6! I shouted that I didn't want to go to the other side Then I continued to beat up all of the souls of the dead. After all, dying to a mighty mayor just once isn't enough. Fighting the souls of the dead is tough work, so I took plenty of hits during this battle. I found a sword which I used to chop up the competition in no time! Along the way, I found Andore himself. He died decades ago when I destroyed the city, so I found it odd that he would still be on the train of the dead. In any case, I killed him again because he was trying to choke me sort of like his son. With my mighty sword, I killed him again. Unfortunately for me, the souls of the dead that he has helped prosecute were angered that I would spoil their plans for revenge. They attacked me viciously, and not even my mayorous powers could stop them! I was eventually knocked out after taking enough of a beating.

When I came to, I was tied up to some dynamite. It looked like I was a goner!

Oh no! How did I survive? That's for you to figure out, isn't it?