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The Chronicles of Shit Town

You may not know it, but I was actually a mayor of a city for a small time. It happened back in the early 1900's. I was given a small island as a present by my grand father. He also donated a few thousand dollars to my cause. I wasn't sure exactly what my cause was at the time, but he sure made it seem like I had one. So with my island and money, I decided to enjoy myself in solitude. I settled in this barren landscape. I also decided to call the place "Shittown". I had to call it that because there is some mysterious law that only allows people to have names with only eight characters.

Things seemed to be going well for a while. I established a residential zone for myself to live in. It only cost one hundred dollars, so it was alright. I also created a power plant, since my home required electricity. I was living in style for several months when suddenly, I encountered other people building in my zone. I was outraged! I was this close to destroying them all when a little angel version of me indicated that this wasn't a good idea. I thought about it for a moment and realized that the little angel was right. If I allowed the people to live on the island, I could make them pay taxes. The angel disagreed, but I ignored it until it went away. It was the start of a new project! I had finally founded Shit Town!

Here I am in my office, taking care of business!

As you can see in the picture to the left, I was a very busy mayor even early on in the life of the town. This should be no surprise, since Shit Town was an instant success, even with a name like Shittown. People thought I was a great mayor and loved to give me phone calls. In fact, the picture is a pretty accurate portrayal of what you would see if you were to walk into my office, since I never stop using the phone as long as I'm in there. I also watch the television occasionally, but never without using the phone as well. I was known in the city as the glorious Mayor Eric Curzi. Shit Town was a very popular place to visit in the surrounding lands, but only a modest amount of people actually moved in. It is expensive to live in a shit town, you see.

As more people moved into the Shit Town, it became apparent that I had to give them some provisions. I placed industrial zones and commercial zones around the town. With the addition of some roads, I finally had what could be considered a town. I was very excited.

Shit Town, finally a bustling village!

With the exception of an industrial zone that nobody ever used, Shit Town was looking good. People were moving in, working, and complaining about taxes. I was very proud of my creation and let the village run itself until something very exciting happened! The population of shit town busted through two thousand in no time! This meant that the village became a town! I was so happy when this happened, because having a "Shit village" is pretty silly, when you think about it. The population and I agreed that being a town was the optimum thing for the place. This led to several campaigns to control the population.

One thing I took personally was the migration of rich people with golden shirts. There were actually many of these guys. I took it upon myself to take my shirt off and walk the streets, utilizing my powerful wrestling skills to eliminate the rich bastards who dare invade my town. After all, such rich folks influence population growth by starting big corporations which build such ridiculous things as "hospitals". When I told my secretary about my plans, she told me that we could never have a hospital for unknown reasons. I told her that the rich idiots would somehow invent hospitals and ruin my city. That sure shut her up! So of course I beat up all of the rich people I could, especially if they wore golden shirts.

Once the rich folks were terminated, things seemed to be going well. However, not everything was perfect. The year 1901 finally arrived and my citizens took polls saying what they thought about me. They loved me, for the most part. Surprisingly, they also took a poll asking what people disliked about the city. When I saw that 22% of people hated the taxes, I ignored it. Who cares about taxes? You can't run a city for free. Then I noticed below that 21% were complaining about crime. This shocked me! Crime, in my perfect utopia? "This is not right!" I shouted, and quickly took my shirt off and ran back out, intent on exacting revenge.

Furious, I entered the streets and began punching the people who answered the polls!	They went at me in endless waves of fierce warriors! My citizens were more powerful than I thought.

In fact, they sometimes got the better of me! How embarrassing.	I even had to go into weird underground areas to punish people who seemed to have come out of weird cults!

After having punished them appropriately, the polls stopped indicating any notion of crime. I also placed a police department, trained with cops who would beat the whiners down if they ever acted up again. Fortunately for them, crime was never mentioned again. I sat back in my office chair, phone to my ear, and lived in peace for a year or two. It was after that time that I was in for another surprise! I had received notification that my town had reached a population of 10,000, which meant it was now a city. This was an outrage! It turned out my rich person-banishing had not worked out so well. My city eventually looked like this monstrosity. What a terrible sight! But I knew there was little I could do at that point. As much as I wanted to take action, it was simply too late. I just returned to my office chair and waited, phone in hand.

I barely managed to maintain sanity, when the worst thing ever occured. The citizens, those jerks, demanded a fire department! My slaves, demanding things of me?! I would have nothing of it! Unfortunately, rather than constructively resolving the issue, I completely lost it. Using my powerful wrestling skills, I went around the city causing fires, tornados, earthquakes, and floods. The devastation was initially slow, but in a matter of time, my city would be in ruins.

My population sank rapidly as people either died or moved out, I didn't care either way. Just then as things were in as bad shape as they could be, my good friend Bowser arrived. I completely forgot! I invited him to my island a year ago. Unfortunately he didn't even get to the city. Instead, he just wandered elsewhere on the island. Thank goodness, too. It would have been embarrassing for him to see what had happened.

The end of the Shit Town lasted several months, but constant attempts of fire starting by me ensured the demise of the town. I even built an airport and used my wrestling strength to bring airplanes down onto forest areas near my city. Kind of a cruel thing to do, but what do you expect of a crazy mayor? Once I was satisfied with my efforts, I noticed that despite having no power or residential zones in which to live in, about 480 people still inhabited my island. They were living in a factory and a train. I tried to destroy the factory, but I had no money to bulldoze it. I couldn't take the pressure of dealing with 480 people, so I killed myself, or at least tried to. Obviously I failed, and somehow woke up in the year 1983. I have no idea how that happened.

Rest in peace, Eric Curzi of the past.